January 7th, 2006
The Cell Phone by Bob D’Auray
My son-in-law gave me a cell phone about a month ago. He bought a new one and I inherited his old one. Up to now I’ve refused to own one because I suspected that they are evil devices, and I like the idea of people not being able to track me down at times.
I don’t have any reason to doubt his motives for giving me the phone unless he’s was trying to appease me for what he’s been doing with my daughter for the last couple of years.
I’m not a low tech guy I’ve mastered the kinks and quirks of at least four Microsoft operating systems and the idiosyncrasies of numerous hardware devices. Hell, I even programmed a VCR once. I’ve always thought that cell phones were sent to earth by aliens wanting to control our planet. The proximity of the device to our brain and the overwhelming frustration of dealing with one are sure to weaken us to the point that we won’t be able to resist an invading alien force.
The first hurdle to overcome was changing his Roger’s account to my name and address. After spending many hours on the phone with Melanie and several more hours on their web site we failed in that seemingly simple task. The best we could do was to change the address and other information to mine but there was no way we could get rid of his name and change the account to my name. The upside to that is maybe I can run up a huge bill which he’ll have to pay! Then there was the matter of the case which I had to purchase. I bought one with a magnetic clasp on it, he told me not to buy it because it would mess up the phone. What the hell does he know he’s my son-in-law? I bought the magnetic thing anyhow, more radiation riding around on my body. Did I hear were magnets were good for, I doubt it! It’s probably just another clever alien plot. Those clever aliens think of everything! Well he was right the magnetic clasp messed up the phone. It unlocked the keyguard and repeatedly made a call the first number in the phone book. Of course I burned through the first ten dollar pay-as-go card in no time. So much for a free phone! I isolated the random calls to when I climbed in and out of my car, somehow the way I turned my body set off the mysterious chain of events. Aliens? I also thought maybe Toyota was in collusion with Rogers AT&T to take all our money before the aliens get here, but I think that’s a little far fetched. I went back to the store where I bought the case and exchanged it for one with a Velcro clasp. Apparently Velcro is more expensive than magnetic material because I had to fork over another three bucks to exchange the cases. That solved the random call problem and after I spent twenty more bucks for more minutes, I was in business or so I thought. The belt clip was a little small for the belt I was wearing and the phone starting falling off my belt at all sorts of awkward times. Luckily I had a narrower belt and didn’t have to spend money on a new one. This belt was from a time when why waist was a little bigger than it is now so I had to punch a new hole in so that my pants wouldn’t fall down, bonus!
Even though the narrower belt helped the phone still took occasional unscheduled trips.
One day last week I walked into the bathroom turned my body a certain way and the phone fell off my belt and straight into toilet. Not into the empty tub or even to the floor, it went sploosh straight into the toilet. I swear it was directed by Aliens. I acted quickly recovered the dripping device. I grabbed a towel and retreated to my favourite chair in front of the T.V. I feel safe there but now I’m wondering if the Aliens can watch us through the thing. All of these devices have computer chips in them. Maybe the Alien conspiracy has spread farther than I first thought. After a forty five minute struggle I got the back of the case off and was able to dry the battery and what I could reach inside the phone. I could still see water inside the view screen, not a good sign! I let the beast dry for a while and put the battery back in, nothing. I left it over night hoping it would dry out and work the way it should something like my alcoholic uncle Frank, but that’s another story. I pressed hard on the “on” switch which didn’t help, it still refused to work. I put it back in the case and dropped in the console in my car. Maybe I had stuck a blow for the human race. I noticed that I couldn’t find the back of the case, but so what the phone was dead.
After a couple of days I started to feel the urge to have my cell phone back, maybe the Aliens had already established a permanent hold on me. Maybe it was the fact that I spent about sixty bucks on a free phone and successfully made two unnecessary phone calls, one of which was cut off in mid-call because I ran out of minutes. I felt it would be a waste to leave the twenty dollars worth of minutes I had bought unused. Maybe this thought was planted in my brain from outside. I gave the old phone one last try and sure enough it fired up. Everything seemed to work just fine except for now the phone had no back. After ripping the house apart I finally found the back hiding in the folds of my favourite chair. I reunited the two parts and now everything is wonderful except I get shitty reception!